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By Reuben Abati

“Omo, how was your weekend? I saw you wearing Aso Ebi up and down, doing and co? Public intellectual wearing aso ebi.”

“Family matters. I had a rather busy week. One of my in-laws was burying his mother. There was also this Wema Bank at 80 ceremony. And then we had to attend Papa Adebanjo’s burial in his home town in Ijebu.”

“Pa Adebanjo. The last of the titans. A true Awoist and federalist. He believed in Nigeria. He loved Nigeria. He promoted the values of justice, fairness and equity. And he was consistent till the last moment. His legacy should endure. The lessons of his life should be imbibed by the younger generation. Loyalty especially. He was loyal in life and in old age. It is unfortunate that in this country today, most people do not stand for anything. Wema Bank has done well too. The bank is a success story.”

“You are right and not right. There are people who stand for their stomach. That is also standing for something. But as for Wema Bank, yes, the bank has done well. And they threw a big party to celebrate. We had fun attending the party at Eko Hotel. My only thing about banks generally is that the big profits that they make should get to us too, we the customers.”

“No, not you. Shareholders and directors. They are running a business, not charity. You bring your money, place deposits, they do business, and they make profit.”

“Without us though, the banks cannot make all that money.”

“My friend, how much is your money? The people who complain most about banking services actually do not have any money. When I was a banker, one man came to the banking hall and he was making such a big issue about his money, his money and giving lectures about how the bank should be managed. You know I just took the precaution of checking the fellow’s bank account N20, 000 oh! Those are the kind of people who give lectures about banking. The rich ones do not.”

“It is the same thing with journalism. Everybody is now a journalist. They tell you what to do, how to do it, and they seem to know it all. Anyone with a cheap, miserable phone is a journalist. All kinds of experts out there insulting those who are doing a honest day’s work. Democracy and its discontents.”

“Poverty is a disease. Poor people will always say anything until they get into trouble. By the way, how was the Adebanjo party in Ijebu.”

“It went very well. A lot to eat and drink. A befitting farewell. In fact when we were about to leave, my wife said she wanted to use the loo. When we went out, come and see people they called service providers: a whole stretch, preparing food, delicacies, orisirisi, I was tempted to stay back and taste one or two things. But if I had spoken, she would have said, is it hunger that brought you here?”

“That would been a right question”

“You are a hypocrite. When you go to a party, and everything is flowing, is it a sin to eat what you like?”

“You should have gone with a nylon bag. That is how Yoruba people behave. When they attend a party and everything is flowing, they will bring out nylon bag to pack food and drinks. Your people have no shame.”

“Are you alright? Pa Adebanjo’s funeral party was a celebration of his life. The children did well. They honoured their father. And he deserves to be honoured. To tell you the truth, if I had a nylon bag nearby, I would have asked them to pack sone barbecued fish for me. The thing enter my eye!”

“IMF and the World Bank are right then. There is serious poverty in this country. More and more Nigerians are becoming poor. You will go to a party and you will carry nylon bag to pack food. It is called multidimensional poverty.”

“Leave IMF and World Bank. I don’t know how they arrived at the conclusion that Nigerians are getting poorer. Let their experts go to any part of Nigeria from Thursday to Sunday. Every event centre is fully booked. People are gaily dressed, and musicians and comedians are making good money. To have a party in this country, be it a funeral or a birthday party, you have to plan six months ahead otherwise the event planners, the venue managers, the MCs would tell you that they are fully booked.  Is that a sign of poverty?”

“No please. Please, you don’t measure poverty using that kind of index.”

“I am using the evidence of my eyes. It is the most reliable index. Tell me, I am wrong, and I will tell you to open your eyes.”

“You should not believe everything that you see. Some of those lavish pash parties are make believe.” 

“Please. Even if you don’t attend social parties, don’t you see Nigerian women on social media? One woman’s appearance head to toe could be about N50 million. The following week, she will not repeat the same dress or jewellery. Is that poverty?”

“This is why I have taken a solid decision never to marry, or even have a girlfriend. It is a frightening thing to do. Too expensive. The women of today are only interested in glitter and glamour.”

“My friend, go and marry and stop giving excuses. Just choose wisely. If all these artificial wig-wearing girls, AI Lagos girls are too expensive for you, go and get a village girl. You can win the love of those village girls by just buying them suya and Mr. Biggs.”

“In Tinubu’s Nigeria, even those village girls have become very smart. They have moved from Suya joints to Chinese Restaurants!”

“Go and become a Pope then. You don’t want to marry. They are looking for a Pope at the Vatican”

“No. No. No. That is not for me. It is President Donald Trump who wants to be the next Pope. He even published an image of himself dressed as a Pope”

“It is not funny. It is an insult to the Catholic Church. He owes the Church an apology.”

“The way my mind is working, I think it is an idea that can be considered. The world will be a safer place if it were possible to make President Trump the Pope. He will not control divisions. He will not impose tariffs. He will not be in a position to threaten anyone.”

“Please stop. Trump who does not go to church? He probably does not even know what a Bible looks like. I will be shocked if he can recite the Lord’s prayer. The next Pope will be chosen from among the Cardinals. This is about tradition and the institution of the Papacy.” 

“They can change the rules.”

“The Vatican is not America. They don’t run an America First policy at the Vatican City”

“Pope Trump. It has a nice ring”

“It sounds very bad. Do not offend people unnecessarily. Trump ko. Trump ni.”

“But let us give the man his flowers. He has a way of dominating public discourse. He always finds a way of making Trump and America the subject”

“He is a very inconsistent man with a special gift for causing confusion, chaos and uncertainty.”

“Watch what you say. You are talking about the President of the most powerful country, and the largest economy in the world. Trump is this and that, but do you know that even President Tinubu is now beginning to copy Trump? I won’t be surprised if he admires him.”

“H�Ƿ�?”

“Are you aware that there was a Federal Executive Council, FEC meeting in Abuja yesterday, presided over by President Tinubu?”

“Yes. Omo Ologo according to Dauda Rarara.”

“Leave that. I told you Nigerians are poor. They will say anything to get money. When you see a Fulani singer speaking Yoruba by force, you must know what that means. What I am telling you is that President Tinubu is also now saying Nigeria First.”

“Yes. Naija no dey carry last.”

“The President has directed that goods that can be produced locally in Nigeria must not be imported into the country, and that all these expatriates coming into Nigeria to take jobs that Nigerians can do should be stopped henceforth, except there is an enabling justification.”

“Bros, you dey make me laugh oh! Hey, come on. Talk is cheap. What does Nigeria produce?”

“We produce many things”

“Bandits, insurgents, 419, con men, scammers. you can add to the list.”

“We are doing better than that. Don’t join the people who are always running down the country.”

“You are not getting my point. I don’t believe in this idea of banning things as a policy of industrialization. It has never worked. It will never work. If the Federal Government wants to industrialize Nigeria, it must place the right emphasis on productivity. This is simply not a productive economy. We cannot even produce toothpick. We import toothpick for God’s sake! No water. No electricity. Over 40% of the people are in darkness.”

“The President is going to meet the GENCOS to discuss the over N4 trillion that they are being owed.”

“Nothing will come out of it. Is it not the same Presidential Villa where they are abandoning the country’s main supply of electricity and shifting to solar power?”

“There must be light in the Villa for security reasons.”

“There must be light in every Nigerian home, in every barber’s shop, every salon, because we are all Nigerians and our security and welfare is the primary responsibility of government.”

“You must have hope. Renewed Hope. There is pain even in Spain. The other day, there was power outage in Spain, Portugal and Andorra.  This thing called electricity, anything can happen. With hope, everything will be right and proper.”

“Please stop that. Which hope? I hope nobody will come back to Nigerians ahead of the 2027 general elections and start talking about hope all over again. Please find another line. What hope have we seen since 2023? By May 29, it would be two years since the President Tinubu came to power, we are waiting to hear what he will tell us. The coalition of opposition leaders will, talk too. We are waiting.”

“Forget those ones. Which coalition? You will be surprised that some of those coalition leaders will join the APC before 2027. People who are trying to negotiate, you are quoting them as if they have any capacity to change anything”

“I won’t be surprised. This is Nigeria. And these are Nigerian politicians.”

“They are just talking.”

“They are right on one score though. This economy is not working. Nigeria was better off in the 60s and 70s.”

“You are quoting Akinwunmi Adesina. Has he too joined the coalition?”

“No. He is a technocrat, not a politician.”

“Na so dem dey start. His tenure as President of the African Development Bank will soon end. He may be testing the waters. Did you see the sharp rebuttal by Mr. Bayo Onanuga. A very quick and sharp back hand.”

“But I agree with Dr. Adesina. Mr. Onanuga is the one talking politics. Adesina is the one who knows Economics.”

“You will support anybody who condemns government. Everybody knows you people”

“What do you mean you people? Dr. Adesina did not condemn government. He said Nigerians are worse off today than they were in 1960. Simple, accurate point.”

“Well done, accurate time keeper. But Mr. Bayo Onanuga has since replied to say that Adesina is wrong and that you cannot compare Nigeria GDP per capita in 1960 and 2025.”

“With due respect Mr. Onanuga is not an economist. Adesina is an economist. He was even speaking at a forum with which the Minister of Finance and Co-ordinating Minister of the Economy is well connected. He was not talking politics, but facts. They should stop attacking him. He is not part of their war. He has not said anything different from what the World Bank has said. The World bank says 75.5% of rural Nigerians now live below poverty line. UNICEF says Nigeria has the highest number of malnourished children in Africa, the second highest in the world! In fact, I will add my own: 1960 is too far away. Nigerians are worse off today than they were in 2011. Se o tan? Argue with that.”

“Whether you people like it or not, Tinubu will get his second term as President.”

“I believe that. After all, Faure Gnassingbe is preparing to be President for life in Togo. His family has ruled that country for 58 years. He has now been sworn in as President of the Council of Ministers. The position has no term limits, and it is the highest office in the country. Gnassingbe changed the constitution to end presidential elections and has now introduced a parliamentary system in Togo. Faure Gnassingbe has been President since 2005, and he does not want to go.”

“That cannot happen in Nigeria. Never.”

“Please. What do you mean that can never happen in Nigeria? All it takes is for a Nigerian President to change the Constitution and that is it. I no longer join people to say it cannot happen here. Anything can happen in this country, please.”

“There is hope, that’s all I can say.”

“Leave that matter!”.