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REUBEN ABATI

“How are you doing?”

“I am good”

“I am now convinced beyond any iota of doubt that this your Republican friend called Donald Trump has something wrong with him.”

“There is nothing wrong with him. Be careful what you say, otherwise we will ban you from ever entering the United States from generation to generation, and even your children who are living in the United States will be deported or sent to Guantanamo Bay, Gitmo, for life. Please try and respect constituted authority. When you mention the name Trump, please do so with respect and reverence. He is the most powerful man in the world today, and you can see he is not joking about it.”

“What is your own in this matter? I am trying to have a decent conversation, you are saying we will, we will. Are you now a member of Trump’s cabinet? Are you an American? You Nigerians are sick. This is how some members of Corporate Nigeria organized events in 2008 to support Obama. In the last election, some of you started rooting for Trump even when you all knew you had no vote in the election. When he won, one fellow in Northern Nigeria organized a victory rally. Too many Nigerians are crazy about American politics but they are so terribly illiterate about politics in their own country. Many of you celebrated when Trump won, now the same Trump is deporting your own people.”

“I don’t care about Nigerian leaders. They only think of themselves. President Trump is thinking about the American people. He wants to make American people great by putting American interest first. Which African leader thinks about us the people? For me, it is a matter of principle. Any leader that says his people’s interest is his primary objective, I will praise him. African leaders must learn from the example of Trump. Learn to think about your people.”

“So, how does that principle justify Trump making enemies over the weekend with America’s major trading partners? Annually, Mexico, Canada and China account for over $1.6 trillion of trade with the US and more than 40% of imports into the US. Canada supplies 61% of American crude oil. And now Trump says he is imposing 25% tariff on all imports from Canada and Mexico and an additional 10% on goods from China. That is an open declaration of a global trade war that will not help anybody”

“So? Trump made a campaign promise about immigration and the importation of drugs into the United States. He is keeping his election promise. He is forcing the world including the European Union to renegotiate with America. This is his second coming. He has a better understanding than he had in his first term. He is standing up for the American people.”

“He is reversing everything that America stood for before his second coming. American exceptionalism should not mean American isolationism nor should it translate into expansionism which has never been a pillar of the American foreign policy process.” .

“Theory. Textbook analysis. We are talking politics, you are parroting some dead authors.”

“But I like the way other countries are standing up to him. Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum says Mexico will retaliate with tariff and non-tariff measures and that America is guilty of slander by trying to link Mexico with criminal organizations. She thinks the option on the table should be dialogue not tariff. Now see how immediately Trump has paused the tariffs on Mexico. President Sheinbaum knows exactly how to deal with a bully.”

“Which Mexican President? Who is Sheinbaum compared to Trump? When Gustavo Petro, the President of Colombia started protesting that Colombians should not be treated like criminals, or shipped back to Colombia in a military aircraft, didn’t the same Petro eventually eat his words?  America is talking, you are talking.”

“Every country has a sovereign right and I expect every leader to stand up like President Sheinbaum and refuse to be bullied by Donald Trump. Canada for example was also swift and decisive in retaliating.  The same day Trump imposed tariffs on Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau responded with a declaration of ad valorem tariffs of $155 billion on US goods, $30 billion to take effect on Tuesday and another $125 billion in 21 days. It is called tit for tat, reciprocity. Nobody has a monopoly of madness in international relations. Even the EU has threatened that if Trump tries anything funny, they too will fight back. China has filed a suit with the World Trade Organization to complain about America’s wrongful practice.”

“Na today? China can go to the WTO. The EU can hem and haw. A Daniel has come to judgment in the United States. Before Trump, every knee shall bow. Are you not aware that he has even threatened that anybody that confronts the US will only have the tariffs expanded or increased in scope?”

“Are you also not aware that the point has been made that there are no winners in a trade war? Trump can increase tariffs which would be a destabilizing moment for world trade from Canada to Asia and Africa, but it will also affect the markets in America, drive up inflation and cause an earthquake in America’s relations with the world. The people in Canada may suffer, but Americans will suffer as well.”

“You are quoting Trudeau. What does he know? When he leaves office, he would also probably end up as an immigrant in the US”

 “That is an unfair thing to say”

“Trump is using power. He is forcing the world to negotiate with him and the US.”

“He is a bull in a China shop.”

“Okay, go and challenge him”

“President Cyril Ramaphosa of South Africa has challenged him over his statement about land policy in his country. I like Ramaphosa. He is also standing up for his country, since you say you like a President who stands up for his people.”

 “Ramaphosa. Let me see? South African President? Against Trump? It is even bad enough that South Africa is a member of BRICS. Hey. Hey. Hey. Has anyone told President Ramaphosa what Professor Bola Akinyemi, Nigeria’s former Foreign Affairs Minister and Chairman of Nigeria’s Institute of International Affairs (NIIA) said about how it can be risky to provoke or confront Trump? President Ramaphosa should tread carefully. Trump has threatened to call off all future funding to South Africa, if the country continues to seize white people’s land without compensation” 

“African countries do not need aid. What we need is partnership. Vice President Kashim Shettima of Nigeria said that much in January at the World Economic Forum (WEF) in Davos. Besides, Professor Akinyemi was advising President Tinubu of Nigeria, not President Ramaphosa of South Africa.” 

“What is the difference? You think Trump cares whether you are from South Africa or Nigeria? But I know President Tinubu. He would not behave like these other Presidents. He will not confront Donald Trump. And if America stops aid to Africa and other parts of the world, or refuses to fund Nigeria’s HIV/AIDS programme, is it our money? It is American taxpayer’s money. Nobody can tell America how to spend its money.”

“America has a responsibility to protect the world.”

“America has a responsibility to protect America and its citizens. How is that so difficult for anyone to understand? “

“I don’t like the Republicans.”

“You don’t have to like them. Americans voted for Trump overwhelmingly. It was a landslide victory in November 2024.”

“We’d see. We’d see where Trump leads the rest of the world. By the way, did you watch the 67th Grammys awards?”

“I did. I did. I am excited by the fact that our own Tems, Temilade Openiyi, won her second Grammy in the Best African Music Performance category, the first Nigerian to win two Grammy awards. History made. I was rooting for Yemi Alade but when Tems won, I was happy for her and her Mum. Sweet reward for hardwork and commitment.  It was even her Mum’s birthday the following day and she deservedly dedicated the award to her and her team. Parenting matters. Train your child so she can make you proud.”

“That is really something. Her market value is going to shoot up. With a Grammy Award, she is made, with two, she is up there. In total, she has had eight nominations at the Grammy Awards in her career. She does not need anybody’s validation. So blessed. So young.”

“All the other Nigerians who made it to the nomination are winners too. Asake, Wizkid, Davido, Burna Boy, Lojay, Yemi Alade, just really happy for them all. Wizkid and Bloody Civilian are also contributors to the Best Reggae Album: Wizkid with One Love, Bloody Civilian with Natural Mystic. Brilliant. These are great ambassadors.”

“I loved Tems’ acceptance speech. But I think it was a big oversight on that stage not to have mentioned Seyi Shodimu and Shaffy Bello, who originally sang the winning song Love me Jeje, Love Me Tender, 28 years ago in 1997.  Music for Future Generations now remixed by Tems and turned into Grammy Gold.”

“Hmm. You are right.  Love me Jeje, Love me Tender. Who would ever have thought that that song will make it to Grammy glory? But the bigger question is: does anybody still make music for future generations anymore? Most of what you hear out there, despite the commercial success and international attention, these days, is just synthetic music, a lot of sound and very little sense.”

“I won’t be so dismissive. I think the younger generation is doing really well. Every generation finds and defines its own path. Public taste in art as in everything changes, new patterns evolve and humanity adapts. There is also the element of luck. Stardom falls upon those that the elements smile upon. There is also a mystery in everything. I am just happy for the young lady. For the first time, I saw her standing straight, not bending to the side like a Tower of Pisa. So that her waist can stand erect?”

“Stop. She is still a child. Act your age. Focus on her talent. Not her waist.”

“I liked her dress.”

“The designer did a good job. But did you see other Grammy Red Carpet looks? What was that Jaden and Willow Smith were wearing? And was Kanye West Ye’s partner Bianca Censori, naked or in a bathing suit or a dress.? I think there must be a dress code for these awards. I support Trump but I don’t support indecency, nudity, or stupidity on the red carpet.”

“That Censori was practically naked. She should have been censored and asked to leave the event. And look at Julia Fox and that see-through whatever that she was wearing. Censori even wore something more scandalous to the after-party.” 

“It is the end of times. It is the worst of times.”

“I hope the day will never come when a Nigerian girl, any of our daughters will dress like that and flaunt it in public.”

“I think you don’t know what is going on. You are old school. The truth is that many of our own girls dress worse than that. There is a booming, lucrative, flourishing market in the sale of flesh. They bare it all. They taunt men these days and it is not necessarily because of poverty as you may think. Most of these girls that you see have turned their bodies into pure theatre. If you know, you know. It is part of the code in the entertainment world. They stretch the imagination”

“I don’t want to know. I believe very strongly that society must have a moral core. It is one of the reasons why I have a soft spot for Trump. I do not believe in this new age of amorality.”

“These are Americans though. It probably means nothing to them.”

“I like other aspects of the event though. Beyonce winning her 35th Grammy, Best Country Album and the Album of the Year, and seeing her on stage with Taylor Swift. Really memorable. Kendrick Lamar winning five awards. Wow! President Jimmy Carter, five weeks after his death receiving a posthumous honour for his audiobook. Cynthia Erivo performing Frank Sinatra’s Fly me to the Moon in a tribute to the late Quincy Jones, and the fact that the event was held in Los Angeles, against the background of the recent wildfires and the man versus nature devastation in Southern California. Man’s capacity to defy danger and despair is awesome.”

“Please, let’s leave America alone for a moment. There is going to be trouble in Paradise on Tuesday, February 4, when the Nigeria Labour Congress and its affiliates troop out to protest the proposed 50% hike in telecommunications tariffs.”

“You mean more trouble in Hell, because I don’t know what Paradise you are talking about. It cannot be worse than this. We pay so much for petrol and diesel, we are now being told that we are going to pay 50% more to make phone calls and send messages or use data, and that this will increase gradually, and I hear some people are saying electricity tariff will soon increase by 65% to reflect cost. Hell cannot be worse than this.”

“NLC is going to fight for us. Organized Labour must fight for us.” 

“I don’t know which Labour you are talking about. Some NLC affiliates have already said that they will not be part of any protest.”

“The National Association of Nigerian Students (NANS). Are those ones part of NLC? Those are students doing aluta. What do they know? I am talking about organized labour, you are referring to singers and placard carriers.”

“Students unionism has a distinguished history. It is just the way things are these days. There is also another group called the Private Telecommunications and Communications Senior Staff Association of Nigeria (PTECSSAN). They have also rejected the protest.”

“What do you expect those ones to say? To protest against the same companies where they work and eat?  What will shock you is that even NLC leaders will meet with government officials and before you know it, you will hear that after due consultations, the strike has been called off to give room for further negotiations. That is how we will end up paying the tariffs.”

“And is that how they intend to bring down inflation from 35% to 15%?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they expect us to adjust the way we make phone calls, particularly Yoruba people. You people can greet in excess. Instead of saying hello and making your point, you will greet for five minutes. Some of you even prostrate while making a phone call. That attitude has to stop for pure economic reasons.”

“It is culture”

“Fine. Wait and see. Your pocket will soon define your culture.”